I THINK ABOUT YOU IN EVERY ROOM, EVERY DAY IN THOSE FALL APART SHOES YOU’D ALWAYS WEAR AND THE WAY YOU’D NEVER PUT YOUR ARM OVER MY SHOULDER AND THAT TIME LAST SUMMER WE MADE OUT ON A PATCH OF GRASS AND THERE WERE LEAVES IN MY HAIR AND I HAD BEEN BITTEN BY ANTS AND I WAS SECRETLY IN PAIN AND REALLY MAD. I WOULD WAKE UP EVERY MORNING AND HOPE THAT THE ANSWERS WERE THERE OR THAT YOU WERE THERE OR THAT YOU’D LEFT A TRACE AND YOU HADN’T. I DON’T KNOW IF IT’S THE REASON I FIND IT SO HARD TO CONNECT NOW BUT I DON’T REALLY KNOW HOW TO OPEN UP TO ANYONE AND I HAVE SPRINTED AWAY FROM ANYTHING GOOD FOR THE PAST TWO MONTHS WE HAVE BEEN APART AND I DON’T KNOW THAT THAT’S A GOOD THING.

14/7/11 

‘I’m calling this… “limbo”, yeah relationship limbo.’

Lacking:

social skills, decision making skills, affection, truth, honesty, kindness, sincerity, generosity, lacking the ability to forget, lacking courage, lacking judgement to know what is right and what is wrong, lacking spark, fun, excitement, something fresh, something new, something people look at and say ‘wow’, lacking enjoyment, happiness, freedom, renewal, lacking ideas, lacking the will to say ‘no’, lacking in rational thinking, a lack of not having any idea whatsoever about what I want, who I want, anything I’d want for myself, anything i’d need, lacking trust in others, lacking understanding, faith, a lack of perfection, wholeness, completion, a lack of strength to fight for what I want, a lack of respect for others, a lack of balance, even weight in general, a lack of solid ground, a lack of interest in life, a lack of love for parents, lacking closeness and thoughtfulness toward others, a major lack of responsibility for everything, lacking in all kinds of maturity, a lack of emotional detachments, not ever being able to ‘let go’, lack of a backbone to be willing to stand on my own, lacking in my own thoughts and opinions. I’m very empty, can you see it now? 

People ask you questions, hidden behind a clipboard and pair of over priced designer glasses and killer heels. You sit there in a creased jacket you slept in and fiddling hands. 

Question after questions. You can feel them getting inside your head. Do you let it happen or rebel? I relax onto the leather chair and subside. It’s all bullshit. 

The problem is not resolved with words scribbled on a note pad. The problem is not resolved by sitting in a waiting room around strangers with other problems. 

The problem is resolved with steady thinking. With the ability to let someone go. Having courage to be strong, having weakness to cry. Have courage to accept loneliness. Giving respect to what is asked of you. Have strength to stop asking ‘WHY?’. Using the hole you have in your chest, fill it with love from others. Let people love you. The hole will fill, and you will regain balance quicker then you think. 

Life is extremely long. You will forget this. Someone who wants you to be sad, is never ever worth it. It is time to give up. Accept it.

It may hurt now, the clipboards, the pain, the questions and the white washed walls and leather chairs will all soon go away. The body is made to heal. You are going to be okay. Leave this behind you. It is not important. 

26/6/11

What once seemed stable, is uneasy and restless. I am restless. 

An eight month relationship seems burnt to dust. Destroyed in places that were once thought to be so strong and unbreakable have fallen apart into the most tiniest of pieces that both him and I are caught under. Fighting to get out from the rubble, fighting for air to survive we pushed one person back to forward ourselves. Leaving the other trapped and hurt. I was the one that got out. 

Dusting myself off without worry, I walked out from the burial of the relationship that was thought to be the single most important thing I clung to. Mind you, this importance was blindsided, and putting this relationship into jeopardy didn’t seem possible to me. I thought I was a person who could possibly do no wrong. So being caught up in the stubborn thoughts of my conceited personality, I left him to fight for his own. 

He did not make it out with me. He stayed, while I turned my back and walked on. As I tell this story I seriously think about it, and now realise it’s been one of the biggest mistakes and something I regret almost every time I think of it. As I continued on in my bubble of fantasy and selfishness, he slowly and surely made his own way out. No hands to pull him, nobody to check if he was okay. I was already gone. He dusted himself off and began to hurt. He realised the person he thought was tender hearted and kind is not at all what was true. 

I wandered back to the rubble of the relationship and decided now I was better I will search for him. Now I am okay I will check for him. It was always me first.. I did not find him there. I saw a note left on a pile of debri. He scribbled words on the letter telling me the truth of his feelings. In denial and anger I scrunched the small note and threw the note off into the distance. 

Never being able to find him again, I began to search. I had to explain my own selfishness. I had to roar my anger and get my own way. I searched the mountains and gullies, sunsets and sunrises from the desert to the sea. Never finding his heart. I sat by the sea, many years had passed and I sat and wept, always looking. 

The tears that pooled around me lead to long nights of thought, long nights of guilt and long nights of change. Not knowing how to make it better, not knowing how to get him to believe, I waited. Waiting for a chance to push him out from the disasters and leave me to hurt, waiting for a chance to make amends, waiting for a chance to be completely selfless. Waiting to find stable cemented ground that can hold my heavy heart, endlessly waiting to leave my life I have built on a slate of cracked glass. 

8/1/11

What to write about.. things have been good. I’ve needed a bit of direction, lately i’ve just been.. doing things and then stopping in my tracks and wondering where I am going. 

I’ve had a sudden urge. I want to travel. 

Right now i’m stuck in my shitty little town, with the shitty people. The shitty atmosphere. 

I feel disgusting. You make me feel disgusting. You put me down a lot. 

I just wish sex wasn’t such a big deal with christianity, i’m in love with you and you’re the one. This trust we have in each other will not let us down. If it does, it’s always me. If worse comes to worse i’m going to ruin to for myself.

I love my friends.

I love my family.

I love my boyfriend.

I am happy. 

are things crumbling, already? is hope lost? 

I feel as though my presence is at fault. That I am at fault. You tell me you don’t care that i’m sick, but you rant and rave and get frustrated at the fact it isn’t fair to you. How do you think it feels to me? 

If I leave you, the thing that makes you the happiest, me. If I leave you, we will both be unhappy. Will I enjoy the feeling of being lonely again? Or will this feeling of having a companion, will it just grow stronger? 

As for my sanity, things are going okay. Although I think i’m losing myself a little. When someone has a grasp over your personal life and you’re heart, their veins begin to spread throughout yours, binding and weaving, become strong and therefore you becoming dependant. The feeling, sure.. it’s nice. But theres also something at the back of your mind telling you that you’re losing your freedom. 

Thankyou for making me un-broken. 

Thankyou for building me back up, when I feel as though i’m falling apart. Thankyou for making me feel important, worth something more then nothing. In this world of black and white, thankyou for painting me silver to stand with you who his painted the brightest shade of gold. Thankyou for the butterflies you constantly leave in my stomach, not a scared species of butterfly, but the kind that fill me with exitement. I don’t think they will ever go away. They seem to have made quite a home in there. Thankyou for keeping my skeletons in my locked up closet, for you are the only one to hold the key. 

Thankyou for tightening my screws when they become loose and want to fall out and break me, thankyou for keeping away the rust. 

Thankyou for making me feel better, thankyou for fixing me. 

Thankyou for loving me the way you do.